If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
A friend sent me this.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.