The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.