Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
mom gave me mine for free
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]