British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.