Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.