Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My blood type is coffee.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .