Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.