I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.