The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Only Americans understand
that wasn’t the question
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Peace was never an option
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Every photo I’m tagged in
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.