*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
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I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
✌🏽
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.