It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on