“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Thrilling chase underway
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
greetings!
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.