My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
so much to do
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Who called it baking and not making love
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”