why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.