Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
😲 WTF? 😆
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
You got this…
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.