I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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can’t bark with your mouth full
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
stand with me against insufficient seating
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.