wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out