[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I saw nothing
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy