Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.