“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.