Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..