I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I can’t stop watching this.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*pronounces fake like saké*