Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
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Monday Lisa
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.