I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
White Castle for the Win
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.