[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
You Might Also Like
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
my name if I was in the mob
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Milk Cube