Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
best first i’ve ever seen
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet