nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Not helping
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.