[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
You Might Also Like
I beg your pardon?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
FINE, I WON’T.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.