A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*