Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Has science gone too far?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.