Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It