CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Always…
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Gods work.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Same post same
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.