My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
What flavor cupcake are these
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.