Never forget.
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16