My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
no refunds
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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