her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You Might Also Like
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I bet
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.