“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while