Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.