a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?