{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga