Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Trumpy Cat
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.