Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.