“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
is this store having a stroke wtf
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”