ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.