[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.