Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning