My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
no refunds
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me