The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
They also CAN sing✌️
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
A game married people play.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.