My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
girls literally only want one thing..
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury