CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast